Power Rankings: Week 3

By Guillermo O'Rourke  

 Power Rankings, based largely on an accumulation of data. 

22.  D.C. United's pitch (NR)

Now we know where they faked the moon landing.

21. Atlanta United supporters (-2)

Not only are they taking a cue from the SEATTLE SOUNDERS Supporters Handbook and claiming credit for inventing something they clearly didn't invent, they're also seriously bringing into question their city's status as undisputed capital of Hip Hop culture.

We know you'd like to think your club don't stink

But bring that weak sh*t north, see

Suckas gon' get got by Crew-oo-oo

20. Brek Shea (NR)

The Vancouver Whitecaps wingback got tossed from last weekend's 2-0 loss to Toronto FC after picking up a yellow card for dissent. What the, ahem, Brek did he, ahem, Shea to earn that second yellow? MLSSoccer.com weighed in with the sort of zany, topical humor we'd expect.  

19. Portland Timbers (-11)

The Timbers kept on rolling last week with a comeback 4-2 victory over Houston Dynamo. But with Darlington Nagbe (international duty) and Liam Ridgewell (sprained ankle and wastey face) unavailable, Steve Clark in Denmark and referee Jair Marrufo in no position to blow an crystal-clear call to influence the outcome of the game, Portland should be in for a real challenge Saturday at MAPFRE Stadium. 

18. South Carolina Gamecocks (NR)

We know it's a different sport, but beating Duke is a national service deserving of recognition. 

17. DrunkenCrewzer (NR)

After three weeks, our own Drunken Crewzer's self-titled squad sits atop the GCGBAG MLS Fantasy League table

16. Norway (NR)

Ola Kamara's home country is now officially the happiest nation on the planet.

15. Tony Tchani's new fashion line (NR)

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Our role models are athlete-artist-merchants. There are less than 10 that we can name in history: Truman, Ford, Hughes, Disney, Jobs, Tchani. 

14. The Search for the Golden Crewzer

Two new Crew SC devotees were added to the mix this week. Completely unrelated: The Greater Columbus Golden Boys and Girls Supports Group, Inc., LLC does not condone the use of child labor. Nor do we condone the consumption of a fine single-malt whiskey or any other alcoholic beverage whilst getting one's swoll on. 

13. Adam Jahn: Pollster (NR)

He's coming for you, Nate Silver.

12. Overpaying for old, washed up European players (NR)

Like anything fashion related, the fad of aging European players coming to MLS for one last mega paycheck before hanging up the boots hit the U.S. coasts before making its way into the heartland. Well now the Chicago (sic) Fire have gotten in on it, splurging $4.5 million a year on former World Cup and Champions League winner Bastian Schweinsteiger, who was deemed surplus goods at Manchester United because he was too old, couldn't stay healthy and didn't fit the system. Fortunately none of those issues should follow him to the Windy Suburbs.

11. Cedrick Mabwati (NR) 

Although he never quite reached his full potential on the pitch for Crew SC, "Touch Mabwati" remains one of the greatest chants in Nordecke history. Period. We wish Cedrick a fast and full recovery! 

10. #PipaDinks (NR)

 We swear it's not what it sounds like.

9.  Carli Lloyd (NR)

Carli Lloyd, a national hero who should have her likeness emblazoned upon U.S. currency, scored in her Champions League debut for Manchester City. Granted, it wasn't a thunder strike from 30 yards out or an airmail delivery from midfield, but her headed goal held up as the game-winner, giving Citeh the advantage leading up to the second leg of the quarterfinals.

8.  Hipster Tailgate

Join us on Saturday as we welcome our sporting visitors from the Hipster Mecca of Portland. Wear (black and gold) flannel, (black and gold) knit hats and oversized glasses! Judge people who've never listened to the Velvet Underground! Make your own koozie to keep your PBR can cold! Put a bird on it! 

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7.  Gaston Sauro's Karate Toddler (NR)

6.  Alex Crognale (NR)

You're 22-year-old homegrown defender Alex Crognale. You're making your MLS debut and you've been asked to anchor the back-3. What do you do? How about boss every United player who gets within a yard of you, helping to secure the club's first win and clean sheet of the campaign, earning a spot in the MLS Team of Week and forcing head coach Gregggg Berhalter to make some tough decisions ahead of Saturday's match.

5. The Lads (⬆️)

After last week's 2-0 victory over D.C. United, The Lads are definitely upped.

4. BFFs Ola and Pipa (NR)

Penalty kicks were a sore spot  that divided the Crew SC locker room (Kei Kamara vs. Fredrico Higuain and everyone else) and even the fanbase last season. So to see Pipa let Ola Kamara -- who had totally earned both PKs -- take the second was quite a thing to behold. Let's just say Pipa's Chipotle gift card is good for two. 

3 In The Back (NR)

Awwww yeah boy!  After months -- nay, years -- of anticipation, we finally got to see the Berhalter Back-3 in last weekend's victory. The conditions hardly seemed ideal with DP centerback Jonathan Mensah serving a 1-game suspension, but homegrown youngin Alex Crognale and veteran utility man Josh Williams did a bang-up job filling out the base of the Crewsmas Tree™ formation with Nico Naess. Will we see it again this weekend but with Jonathan? The intrigue!

2. Cascadia Subduction Zone (NR)

The Cascadia Sunduction Zone is a 700-mile long fault line off the coast in the Pacific Northwest, where the North American and Juan de Fuca tectonic plates are wedged up against each other. When the next rupture happens -- it's  overdue and scientists say there's a 1-in-3 chance for a "big one" within the next 50 years -- the resulting earthquake and accompanying tsunami will ravage a 40,000-square-mile area of the Pacific Northwest, including Portland. We're talking a quake measuring between 8.0 - 9.2 on the Richter scale and if it's the high end, a "full-margin" rupture, Portland could be Ground Zero for the "worst natural disaster in the history of North America."

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1.  Columbus Crew SC (-)

The World's Greatest Team is coming off a massive victory and get a boost heading into Saturday's rematch of [REDACTED] with the return of Jonathan from suspension. And, as noted in No. 10, our expert, high-tech, mega-accurate simulation indicates a quite favorable result for the home team. 

 

Stay Golden! 

 

Power Rankings: Week 2

By Guillermo O'Rourke

Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data. 

22. D.C. United (NR)

We had trouble deciding if they should even be ranked at all -- they've yet to score a goal this season -- but we figured it might boost Crew SC's strength of schedule with a win  over another ranked opponent this weekend.

21. Red Cards (NR)

Well it didn't take too long for Crew SC to see red in 2017. Did Jonathan Mensah go in with ill intent? I don't think so. Was it a fair decision? Ehhhhhh. Would it have been overturned on appeal had Greggggg not ostensibly forgotten how the appeals process works? I guess we'll never know.

20. Canada (NR)

Your prime minister might be dreamy, but your teams have combined for as many wins this season as D.C. United has goals -- again, ZERO. Giovinco's still missing PKs and Vancouver kept up their form in a 2-0 loss to Tigres UANL in the first leg of the CONCACAF Champions League semis. But we guess someone has to win when Toronto FC and Vancouver Whitecaps meet this weekend. Or they don't cause, you know, it's soccer.

19. Houston's brass band (NR)

That's all we got.

18. Don Garber: Ultra (NR)

This some real dabbing-on-"Ellen"-level pandering from @TheSoccerDon. No way he could one up that...

17. Don Garber covers hot topics at SXSW with Grant Wahl (NR)

That's the actual title of a real article on ColumbusCrewSC.com. 

16. Hanson's Middle of Everywhere 25 Anniversary Tour (NR)

The boys. Are back. On Tour. Can we crash the gang at the Massive Report Podcast's planned road trip with Niko Hansen for one of the upcoming shows? What about a #NorOnMOETour???

15. Modern Technology (NR)

We're living in a Brave New World, where advancements in technology and sports science allow us to run predictive models to simulate the results of future matches within a virtual environment. See how our team of MIT-trained researchers and Sillicon Valley innovators faired in their first simulation last week. 

14. ZLATAN (NR)

There are reports that LA Galaxy are attempting to woo 35-year old Manchester United striker/God-King ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC with a record contract that would make him the highest paid player in MLS. We over here waiting for Tony Ace$ to throw all the money at ZLATAN and bring him to Columbus, where his greatness would truly by appreciated and celebrated, because, like wine, the older ZLATAN gets, the better ZLATAN gets. 

13. Hunt for the Golden Crewzer (NR)

All season long, GCGBAG is on the hunt for the Golden Crewzer, the ultimate crew fan. The winner will be decided by you, so go vote!

12. Robbie Rogers (NR)

Robbie Rogers made a stop in Ohio at BGSU on Wednesday as part of his We Are One Team tour. We hear his new diet is working out well for him.

11.  #FreeTonyTchani (NR)

If for no other reason, we want to see a Tony Tchani Hat Trick™ in our lifetime! 

(Ed. Note: This is a pretty obscure, self-serving reference. For the uninitiated, a Tony Tchani Hat Trickis a goal, an assist and a yellow card in one game.) 

10. Don't Cross the Line (NR)

MLS has released its newest video as a part of their Don't Cross the Line campaign to end discrimination.

9. 2017 MLS Roster Rule updates (+3)

We didn't know exactly what to make of the new rules when they were released, but Crew SC appear to have taken full advantage, using Don Garber Fun Bucks to lock up last year's MVP Justin Meram and new captain Wil Trapp to long-term deals that come with hefty salary bumps. No, per club policy, we don't know for how long or how much, but sometimes it's nice to leave a little something to the imagination.

8.  USMNT drama (NR)

We ain't talking about the fact that U.S. head coach Bruce Arena passed over Wil Trapp in favor of Jermaine Jones, who would be 37 by the next World Cup and whom, but for his being an US international, we abhor. Take it away, Alejandro Bedoya. 

Jozy -- who is one of the biggest, strongest players on whatever pitch he's playing and nonetheless feels the need to dive, like, every time he gets a foot in the 18-yard box -- tweeted his displeasure at Bedoya, who responded with the commensurate "sorry bro, my comments were taken out of context; you know the media" walk-back. But, we see you Alejadro.

7.  Capo talk (+1)

Earlier this week, SG (Supporter Group? Super Great?) leadership made the decision to appoint a capo for the Nordecke starting March 25 vs. Portland. 

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Anyway, we really are hoping for the best, and in the meantime, we want to give you the tools to be your own capo! Check out our Nordecke Songbook on the YouTubes!

6.  Neil Sika's turtleneck (NR)

Who wore better?

Neil Sika, Crew SC at Houston Dynamo

Neil Sika, Crew SC at Houston Dynamo

Steve McQueen, "Bullitt" 

Steve McQueen, "Bullitt" 

John Lennon, "Rubber Soul" 

John Lennon, "Rubber Soul" 

The guy in the "Well Done" gif.

The winner: Dwight Burgess

5. Christian Pulisic (NR)

The future of the USMNT scored a nice goal to send his squad through to the UEFA Champions League quarterfinals.

4. Minnesota United supporters (NR)

In a match that took the title for coldest game in MLS history with a temperature of 19F at kickoff, 35,000 Minnesota United fans still upped the lads, even through the snow and a 6-1 defeat. Respect. 

3. Fancy Stats (NR)

According to all the soccer nerds, Ola Kamara and Justin Meram are best players in their respective positions in MLS. Well at least when it comes to scoring goals and assisting.

The "x" is for EXTREME! 

2. Diego Chara's Diving Adventures presented by Herbalife Sporting Club (NR)

Since then, Portland has responded, Diego Chara has been fined and, we assume, the heroes that created that masterpiece have had their portraits commissioned to adorn the walls LA's front office.

1. Columbus Crew SC (no change)

You don't have to win every game to stay number 1 in our hearts. But not to worry, Crew SC faces a struggling DC side at the crumbling RFK stadium this weekend. Here's to watching Crew SC put up as many goals as raccoons that live in the depths of RFK.