By Guillermo O'Rourke
Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data.
22. D.C. United (NR)
We had trouble deciding if they should even be ranked at all -- they've yet to score a goal this season -- but we figured it might boost Crew SC's strength of schedule with a win over another ranked opponent this weekend.
21. Red Cards (NR)
Well it didn't take too long for Crew SC to see red in 2017. Did Jonathan Mensah go in with ill intent? I don't think so. Was it a fair decision? Ehhhhhh. Would it have been overturned on appeal had Greggggg not ostensibly forgotten how the appeals process works? I guess we'll never know.
20. Canada (NR)
Your prime minister might be dreamy, but your teams have combined for as many wins this season as D.C. United has goals -- again, ZERO. Giovinco's still missing PKs and Vancouver kept up their form in a 2-0 loss to Tigres UANL in the first leg of the CONCACAF Champions League semis. But we guess someone has to win when Toronto FC and Vancouver Whitecaps meet this weekend. Or they don't cause, you know, it's soccer.
19. Houston's brass band (NR)
That's all we got.
18. Don Garber: Ultra (NR)
This some real dabbing-on-"Ellen"-level pandering from @TheSoccerDon. No way he could one up that...
That's the actual title of a real article on ColumbusCrewSC.com.
16. Hanson's Middle of Everywhere 25 Anniversary Tour (NR)
The boys. Are back. On Tour. Can we crash the gang at the Massive Report Podcast's planned road trip with Niko Hansen for one of the upcoming shows? What about a #NorOnMOETour???
15. Modern Technology (NR)
We're living in a Brave New World, where advancements in technology and sports science allow us to run predictive models to simulate the results of future matches within a virtual environment. See how our team of MIT-trained researchers and Sillicon Valley innovators faired in their first simulation last week.
14. ZLATAN (NR)
There are reports that LA Galaxy are attempting to woo 35-year old Manchester United striker/God-King ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC with a record contract that would make him the highest paid player in MLS. We over here waiting for Tony Ace$ to throw all the money at ZLATAN and bring him to Columbus, where his greatness would truly by appreciated and celebrated, because, like wine, the older ZLATAN gets, the better ZLATAN gets.
13. Hunt for the Golden Crewzer (NR)
12. Robbie Rogers (NR)
11. #FreeTonyTchani (NR)
If for no other reason, we want to see a Tony Tchani Hat Trick™ in our lifetime!
(Ed. Note: This is a pretty obscure, self-serving reference. For the uninitiated, a Tony Tchani Hat Trick™ is a goal, an assist and a yellow card in one game.)
10. Don't Cross the Line (NR)
MLS has released its newest video as a part of their Don't Cross the Line campaign to end discrimination.
9. 2017 MLS Roster Rule updates (+3)
We didn't know exactly what to make of the new rules when they were released, but Crew SC appear to have taken full advantage, using Don Garber Fun Bucks to lock up last year's MVP Justin Meram and new captain Wil Trapp to long-term deals that come with hefty salary bumps. No, per club policy, we don't know for how long or how much, but sometimes it's nice to leave a little something to the imagination.
8. USMNT drama (NR)
We ain't talking about the fact that U.S. head coach Bruce Arena passed over Wil Trapp in favor of Jermaine Jones, who would be 37 by the next World Cup and whom, but for his being an US international, we abhor. Take it away, Alejandro Bedoya.
Jozy -- who is one of the biggest, strongest players on whatever pitch he's playing and nonetheless feels the need to dive, like, every time he gets a foot in the 18-yard box -- tweeted his displeasure at Bedoya, who responded with the commensurate "sorry bro, my comments were taken out of context; you know the media" walk-back. But, we see you Alejadro.
7. Capo talk (+1)
Earlier this week, SG (Supporter Group? Super Great?) leadership made the decision to appoint a capo for the Nordecke starting March 25 vs. Portland.
Anyway, we really are hoping for the best, and in the meantime, we want to give you the tools to be your own capo! Check out our Nordecke Songbook on the YouTubes!
6. Neil Sika's turtleneck (NR)
Who wore better?
The guy in the "Well Done" gif.
The winner: Dwight Burgess
5. Christian Pulisic (NR)
The future of the USMNT scored a nice goal to send his squad through to the UEFA Champions League quarterfinals.
4. Minnesota United supporters (NR)
In a match that took the title for coldest game in MLS history with a temperature of 19F at kickoff, 35,000 Minnesota United fans still upped the lads, even through the snow and a 6-1 defeat. Respect.
3. Fancy Stats (NR)
According to all the soccer nerds, Ola Kamara and Justin Meram are best players in their respective positions in MLS. Well at least when it comes to scoring goals and assisting.
The "x" is for EXTREME!
2. Diego Chara's Diving Adventures presented by Herbalife Sporting Club (NR)
1. Columbus Crew SC (no change)
You don't have to win every game to stay number 1 in our hearts. But not to worry, Crew SC faces a struggling DC side at the crumbling RFK stadium this weekend. Here's to watching Crew SC put up as many goals as raccoons that live in the depths of RFK.