Power Rankings: Week 9

By Guillermo O'Rourke

Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data.

22. DaxStreet Boys

Burn. Them. All. 

21. Kei Kamara's Role With New England

We're not still [as] sour about the way stuff went down with Kei [as some of the fanbase]. We're just stating an objective fact: Kei Kamara's has been a heart-shaped-hands-shaped peg in the round hole since arriving in New England.

The lesser Kamara won't have the chance to prove anything otherwise Saturday because he's with his wife awaiting the birth of their second child. How convenient! 

20. New England Revolution  

Uh, where to start? How about their owners, Jonathan and (that) Robert Kraft, who by several accounts is the worst owner in MLS, has secret casino holdings, wants to watch the world burn and generally sucks. Yep, that'll do for now. 

19. #Parkhursting

Look, we don't hold any animosity for the former Crew SC captain. He's just... well, we'll just say, Atlanta United fans, we know what you're going through

18. The Street Megger

Savage.

17. Emre Can

Savage.

16. Fightin' Snowmen

Also savage. Like, we might have to think of a new schtick because the Fightin' Snowmen are running away with the GCGBAG Fantasy League. 

15. The 2017 Crew SC Gear Sale

Oh look, if it isn't our official Corporate Celebrity Fan trying to tell us how to deal with the annual Crew gear sale, like, three weeks after it happened.

This guy? Can you believe him? 

14.  Outbreak SC

If you're looking for a team aside from Crew SC to follow in the U.S. Open Cup, look no further then Outbreak SC. Why? 1) They're a team of 30-something-year-old SoCal bros playing against professionals. 2) Well, just take it from forward Jason Cambell:

“We don’t train, we don’t talk about training, we just show up and hope the last six days of the week didn’t ruin our fitness too much.”

13.  Jack Ryan

Crew SC have been linked with Aberdeen captain Ryan Jack for a week or so now, and he has even reportedly been urged to follow his "American Dream" to Columbus. We don't put much stock in transfer rumors, but it did get us thinking... about "Patriot Games." 

12. Pittsburgh Riverhounds

Crew SC's kinda farm team delivered last week with a 30-yard thunderstrike (courtesy of Victor Souto):

But wait, the digital media team followed up with this gem, which is almost better:

Prettay, prettay, prettay campy. These guys are alright. Well, for Pittsburgh. 

11.  Golden Boy of the Week

 You can't un-see it.

10. Philadelphia Union 

It's hard to hate on the Union when they're putting out A+ content like that and are otherwise comically inept

9. Sporting-Event Propsals

On the whole, we agree with the consensus that you shouldn't subject a captive audience of thousands of strangers, who don't know and frankly don't care about your relationship, to sit through a contrived, awkward display of your personal commitment on the Jumbotron. That being said, if there is a Right Way to do a sporting-event proposal, Our Dude Ryan pulled it off last weekend at the MEGATailgate.

Mazel tov! 

8. Dinosaurs and Gluten

Translation: ALL THE GOOD STUFF THIS WAY!! 

7. May the 4th

Sorry NERDS *cough* Vancouver, Houston and especially New England *cough* this has nothing to do Star Wars so you can put your light sabers right back in your pants. No, May the 4th is special because it was on this day in 1973 that Greatest That Ever Was Or Will Be came into being. We're writing, of course, about our God-King Guillermo "el terrible" Barros Schelotto. We certainly understand why LAFC is interested in the MASSIVE CHAMPION and Boca Juniors manager, but -- and we mean this sincerely John Thorrington -- if you sign him, we hope that the person you cherish most in this world pushes you off whatever the tallest building in Los Angeles is...

Wow. Sorry fam, that got a little dark, but needed to be said. Anyway, here are a bunch of Tweets and videos to commemorate this MASSIVE occasion.

6. #BuildThatStadium

Also featured in this week's Drunken Crewzer Postgame Show: a challenge to one William Alexander Trapp. 

5. Alex Crognale

CROG NAIL picked up some major Internet hardware earlier this week when he was name the SBI MLS Rookie of the Month for April. We imagine a lot of teams are envious of the options Greggggggg will have at centerback if everyone could get healthy at once. 

4. #DosHiguains

No sir it wasn't. And that's not even including Pipa's All-World Dummy last weekend. 

3. Steven Lenhart

We pour one out for The Cabbage Patch Assassin Steven Lenhart, another MASSIVE CHAMPION, who his hanging up the boots after an 11-year professional career. Lenhart was a rookie on that glorious 2008 team and cemented his place in Crew lore when he scored in stoppage-time to secure a 1-1 draw for Columbus in the opening away leg of of the Eastern Conference semifinals against the Kansas City Wizards (they don't want you to remember they were the Wizards).

In addition to the 2008 Cup, Lenhart also nabbed a pair of Supporters' Shields and carved a niche as MLS's premier super sub over three seasons in Columbus before being dealt to San Jose on the eve of the 2011 draft [for a pick that turned out to be Justin Meram ¯\_(ツ)_/¯]. He went on to play six seasons in San Jose, but had his career derailed after a string of concussions (fuck concussions). He had recently signed with the Japanese side FC Iambari. 

2. Prince Kendrick Afful

As we bid farewell to one MASSIVE CHAMPION -- but seriously, Steven, if you're ever in town hit, us up -- we welcome a FUTURE MASSIVE CHAMPION, King Harrison's newborn son Prince Kendrick Afful (yesssssssss!).

We are so beyond stoked for the Royal Family! Seriously. Like anyone who knows us knows we love (in no particular order): Prince, Harrison Afful and Kendrick Lamar.  

1. Columbus Crew SC

The rains blessed MAPFRE Stadium a little too early last weekend. New England may have tried to co-opt "The Battle Hymn of the Nordecke" but on Saturday, The World's Greatest Team will no doubt reaffirm why they are Toto's Favored Team.  

Power Rankings: Week 6

By Guillermo O'Rourke

Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data.

(Ed. Note: We know you, our cherished Golden Boys and Girls, rely on the thoughtful, objective insight and commentary we provide in the form of our weekly Power Rankings. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it the same way and last week, we received a cease and desist order from a certain U.S. professional sporting league office.

While we stand by our, uh, reporting and firmly believe this order to be frivolous and having no legal standing, out of advice from our counsel, we voluntarily held last week's edition of the Power Rankings. Per that same advice, we must withold the name(s) of our accuser(s), so for any future references, we'll use the pseudonym "Dan Gorber."

Last week notwithstanding, we will be undeterred in our dogged pursuit of the Truth, no matter the levers of power we may cross doing so. We remain 💯-percent committed to providing you with the same hard-hitting, deeply-sourced, unbiased coverage of Columbus Crew SC, MLS and the sporting world at large --along with dated pop culture references and fart jokes -- that you've come to expect. To put it another way: Lord help us, we're back on our bullshit.)

Read More

Power Rankings: Week 3

By Guillermo O'Rourke  

 Power Rankings, based largely on an accumulation of data. 

22.  D.C. United's pitch (NR)

Now we know where they faked the moon landing.

21. Atlanta United supporters (-2)

Not only are they taking a cue from the SEATTLE SOUNDERS Supporters Handbook and claiming credit for inventing something they clearly didn't invent, they're also seriously bringing into question their city's status as undisputed capital of Hip Hop culture.

We know you'd like to think your club don't stink

But bring that weak sh*t north, see

Suckas gon' get got by Crew-oo-oo

20. Brek Shea (NR)

The Vancouver Whitecaps wingback got tossed from last weekend's 2-0 loss to Toronto FC after picking up a yellow card for dissent. What the, ahem, Brek did he, ahem, Shea to earn that second yellow? MLSSoccer.com weighed in with the sort of zany, topical humor we'd expect.  

19. Portland Timbers (-11)

The Timbers kept on rolling last week with a comeback 4-2 victory over Houston Dynamo. But with Darlington Nagbe (international duty) and Liam Ridgewell (sprained ankle and wastey face) unavailable, Steve Clark in Denmark and referee Jair Marrufo in no position to blow an crystal-clear call to influence the outcome of the game, Portland should be in for a real challenge Saturday at MAPFRE Stadium. 

18. South Carolina Gamecocks (NR)

We know it's a different sport, but beating Duke is a national service deserving of recognition. 

17. DrunkenCrewzer (NR)

After three weeks, our own Drunken Crewzer's self-titled squad sits atop the GCGBAG MLS Fantasy League table

16. Norway (NR)

Ola Kamara's home country is now officially the happiest nation on the planet.

15. Tony Tchani's new fashion line (NR)

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Our role models are athlete-artist-merchants. There are less than 10 that we can name in history: Truman, Ford, Hughes, Disney, Jobs, Tchani. 

14. The Search for the Golden Crewzer

Two new Crew SC devotees were added to the mix this week. Completely unrelated: The Greater Columbus Golden Boys and Girls Supports Group, Inc., LLC does not condone the use of child labor. Nor do we condone the consumption of a fine single-malt whiskey or any other alcoholic beverage whilst getting one's swoll on. 

13. Adam Jahn: Pollster (NR)

He's coming for you, Nate Silver.

12. Overpaying for old, washed up European players (NR)

Like anything fashion related, the fad of aging European players coming to MLS for one last mega paycheck before hanging up the boots hit the U.S. coasts before making its way into the heartland. Well now the Chicago (sic) Fire have gotten in on it, splurging $4.5 million a year on former World Cup and Champions League winner Bastian Schweinsteiger, who was deemed surplus goods at Manchester United because he was too old, couldn't stay healthy and didn't fit the system. Fortunately none of those issues should follow him to the Windy Suburbs.

11. Cedrick Mabwati (NR) 

Although he never quite reached his full potential on the pitch for Crew SC, "Touch Mabwati" remains one of the greatest chants in Nordecke history. Period. We wish Cedrick a fast and full recovery! 

10. #PipaDinks (NR)

 We swear it's not what it sounds like.

9.  Carli Lloyd (NR)

Carli Lloyd, a national hero who should have her likeness emblazoned upon U.S. currency, scored in her Champions League debut for Manchester City. Granted, it wasn't a thunder strike from 30 yards out or an airmail delivery from midfield, but her headed goal held up as the game-winner, giving Citeh the advantage leading up to the second leg of the quarterfinals.

8.  Hipster Tailgate

Join us on Saturday as we welcome our sporting visitors from the Hipster Mecca of Portland. Wear (black and gold) flannel, (black and gold) knit hats and oversized glasses! Judge people who've never listened to the Velvet Underground! Make your own koozie to keep your PBR can cold! Put a bird on it! 

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7.  Gaston Sauro's Karate Toddler (NR)

6.  Alex Crognale (NR)

You're 22-year-old homegrown defender Alex Crognale. You're making your MLS debut and you've been asked to anchor the back-3. What do you do? How about boss every United player who gets within a yard of you, helping to secure the club's first win and clean sheet of the campaign, earning a spot in the MLS Team of Week and forcing head coach Gregggg Berhalter to make some tough decisions ahead of Saturday's match.

5. The Lads (⬆️)

After last week's 2-0 victory over D.C. United, The Lads are definitely upped.

4. BFFs Ola and Pipa (NR)

Penalty kicks were a sore spot  that divided the Crew SC locker room (Kei Kamara vs. Fredrico Higuain and everyone else) and even the fanbase last season. So to see Pipa let Ola Kamara -- who had totally earned both PKs -- take the second was quite a thing to behold. Let's just say Pipa's Chipotle gift card is good for two. 

3 In The Back (NR)

Awwww yeah boy!  After months -- nay, years -- of anticipation, we finally got to see the Berhalter Back-3 in last weekend's victory. The conditions hardly seemed ideal with DP centerback Jonathan Mensah serving a 1-game suspension, but homegrown youngin Alex Crognale and veteran utility man Josh Williams did a bang-up job filling out the base of the Crewsmas Tree™ formation with Nico Naess. Will we see it again this weekend but with Jonathan? The intrigue!

2. Cascadia Subduction Zone (NR)

The Cascadia Sunduction Zone is a 700-mile long fault line off the coast in the Pacific Northwest, where the North American and Juan de Fuca tectonic plates are wedged up against each other. When the next rupture happens -- it's  overdue and scientists say there's a 1-in-3 chance for a "big one" within the next 50 years -- the resulting earthquake and accompanying tsunami will ravage a 40,000-square-mile area of the Pacific Northwest, including Portland. We're talking a quake measuring between 8.0 - 9.2 on the Richter scale and if it's the high end, a "full-margin" rupture, Portland could be Ground Zero for the "worst natural disaster in the history of North America."

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1.  Columbus Crew SC (-)

The World's Greatest Team is coming off a massive victory and get a boost heading into Saturday's rematch of [REDACTED] with the return of Jonathan from suspension. And, as noted in No. 10, our expert, high-tech, mega-accurate simulation indicates a quite favorable result for the home team. 

 

Stay Golden!