By Guillermo O'Rourke
Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data.
22. Minnesota United FC (-)
The Loons got tagged for five more goals last weekend and after four matches, they're well on their way to setting a new MLS record for futility. It's like they're being fed through a metaphorical...
And for what, Don? A little bit of money. There's more to life than a little bit of money, ya know?
P.s. We haven't forgotten you, Mo Saeid! Wait for the signal. You'll know it when you see it.
21. Orlando City FC (NR)
They're undefeated, yes, but they've only played two games and haven't gotten a goal from anyone not name Cyle Larin, who isn't long for this league. Then there's Kaka, the former FIFA World Player of the Year whose name translates loosely to Tottenham. Unfortunately for the Disney Lions, he's still sidelined with a hamsting injury.
20. Honduras (NR)
19. Traveling Timbers Army (NR)
As Crew SC supporters, we know having a Celebrity Fan can help raise your profile. And, as Wu Diciples, we know that cash rules everything around us. We get it. We guess we just hoped Brian Baumgartner would have had better offers coming his way after "The Office" ended.
18. Fightin' Snowmen (NR)
Recognizing a good matchup when they saw one, the Fightin' Snowmen loaded up with New England Revolution players this past week. The move paid off as they racked up a whopping 78 points during a round that encompassed all of three games and Kevin Kievit's squad now sits atop the GCGBAG Fantasy League table -- 12 points clear of second-place Crewzin 4 a Brew -- after four weeks.
17. Diego Chara's Diving Adventures (-15)
Like most Hollywood sequels, Chara's dive Saturday in MAPFRE Stadium was a gratuitous, self-serving exercise that failed to recapture the charm and zest of the original. Critics received it accordingly.
16. Orlando Pirates (NR)
The original (and best) Orlando-based team is undefeated over their last four matches.
"But Guillermo," you, an ardent follower of the South African Premier Division, might interject, "those four matches were all draws and the Pirates seem likely to finish out of the top-8 this season."
Good point, but they still have five more league titles than the Disney edition. Also: pirates, man.
15. Fireworks (NR)
They've made a couple notable appearances across the soccer world in recent days: first Saturday night, during a postgame celebration in the parking lot outside MAPRE Stadium in Columbus, and next Monday night in Panama, outside the USMNT's hotel.
14. Waylon Francis (NR)
Q: Who are the best five left backs of all time?
A: Waylon, Waylon, Waylon, Waylon and Waylon.
A: Because he spits hot fire! (Apparently he also pisses cold beer!)
13. Christiano Ronaldo's Bust (NR)
The Portuguese Justin Meram recently had an airport in his native Madeira Islands renamed in his honor. Portugal's Prime Minister Antonio Costa even flew in to reveal a bust in his likeness. The resemblance is uncanny.
*Sloth from the Goonies voice*
12. Fan Submissions (NR)
Presented without comment:
11. Justin Meram's Slide Form (NR)
Absolutely flawless. We hope the kids at home are paying attention. His back is arched at a perfect angle and he absolutely sticks the stand up at the end. Impeccable all around.
10. Sports for 800 (NR)
We've had a lot of fun at the expense of the Portland Timbers in this space throughout the young season. But it's easy to forget that they, uh... what were we talking about?
9. Crewzers or Crew Cat? (NR)
Our own Drunken Crewzer hit the streets again after last Saturday's victory to get the fans' perspective. Shoe-leather reporter that he is, there was no way he'd tip toe around the preeminent debate within the Nordecke. See for yourself:
8. King Harrison Clowning at the CBJ Game (NR)
Seriously. Click those links and follow the King EVERY social media. You will not regret it.
Do it now.
7. Yet To Be Named San Diego Team (NR)
A shadowy conglomerate (we presume) is vying to bring a MLS expansion team to San Diego, in part to secure a new tenant for Qualcomm Stadium after the NFL's Chargers decided to move in with LA Galaxy. To help drum up support, they launched a campaign to crowdsource a name for the would-be team. The current vote leaders are -- we shit you not -- Footy McFooty Face, followed by the San Diego Surfs and, our personal favorite, the San Diego Bad Hombres. That said, we'd place the odds of Man of the People Don Garber heeding the People's choice at about the same as Tony Ace$ revealing Falcao as surprise signing to fans ahead of Saturday's match. Nonetheless, if you do nothing else between now and Friday, vote for one of the leaders.
As ESPN's Paul Carr pointed out, there may have been some otherworldly forces at play during the USMNT's ritual sacrifice of Honduras last Friday. Six goals scored in 666th game in Yanks history?
Let's be honest, we'd make a deal with the devil for Christian Pulisic, too.
5. #OlaChips (NR)
But as all of Columbus fandom basks in his new Internet celebrity, we hope Niko remembers the ones who've been on the HYPE train from the start (read: the preseason), and who will still be there, even if/when he loses his hair. We're talking, of course, about ourselves and the gang on the Massive Report Podcast.
Mmmbop indeed, Neil Sika. Mmmbop indeed.
3. The Lads (⬆️)
After a glorious, cathartic come-from-behind victory over the previously undefeated, league-leading Portland Timbers on a clear, warm Saturday night and seeing Crew SC atop the Eastern Conference standings the next day? This is about as upped as The Lads get.
2. Liquor and Candy Piñatas (NR)
That's right, everyone's favorite tailgate activity will be making its 2017 debut this Saturday at the GCGBAG tent (northwest corner of the #MEGATAILGATE). Ages 3+ can take a swing at the Lion, but you must be 21 or older to enjoy any of our wide assortment fun-size spirits inside, all which were totally legitimately obtained and definitely not jacked from various hotel mini-bars.
1. Columbus Crew SC (-)
The World's Greatest Team put the Portland back in its place last weekend and retook its rightful spot at the top of the Eastern Conference standings. And even though DP Jonathan Mensah is questionable for Saturday due to hamstring issues -- courtesy of a cynical late tackle from Diego Valeri that, to no one's surprise, went unpunished -- Alex Crognale, Crew SC's other rookie phenom, has proved more than capable serving in his stead. The Good Guys shouldn't have any trouble with the Disney Lions, assuming they're not swallowed by a sinkhole before departing Orlando.