By Guillermo O'Rourke
Power Rankings, largely based on an accumulation of data.
22. New York Red Bulls
We're not going to dwell on the fact that the New York Red Bulls' name and overall concept sounds like something from the "Idiocracy" universe. We aren't going to bring up the fact that their franchise's greatest accomplishments comprise of making it to the 2008 MLS Cup Final (where they lost to The Columbus Crew) and making it to the 2015 Eastern Conference Finals (where they lost to Columbus Crew SC), along with a smattering of MEANINGLESS Supporters' Shields. We certainly aren't going to poke fun at the fact that their technical staff takes marching orders from their parent company, which, again, is a freakin' energy drink! Damn, it looks like we're about to hit our charac
21. SC Bastia Supporters
Every once in awhile, we like to check in on Ligue 1 (pronounced LEE-guh OO-nuh with a smug French accent) to try to be first on any hip new trends that are sure to make their way across the pond. You see, French soccer supporters are a bit more refined and dignified and -- just kidding. They can be every bit the cretins as your run-of-the-mill NYCFC ULTRAs, as SC Bastia backers demonstrated last weekend when they rushed the pitch to mug Memphis Depay. Must've had a few salty Man U supporters in there egging 'em on, amirite!?!?
20. Steve Clark's Support
In our humble opinion, Steve Clark shouldered an unfair amount of blame for [REDACTED]. We're glad to see he's still playing for a yellow soccer team and having some success in Denmark this season. Clearly, though, he's still not getting much help from his defensive front, as evidenced by the unconscionable 'megging he was forced to recompense for last weekend.
19. Tim Howard's Potty Mouth
The Colorado Rapids keeper was suspended three games after having a back-and-forth with a Sporting Kansas City supporter that was caught on video, because everything is. We won't repeat his exact words because these are family power rankings, but they were along the lines of an offer to take said supporter's mother out to a nice seafood dinner and never call her again. If there's a silver lining, maybe El Pato Howard was just projecting his frustration on Dom Leroux-Dwyer when things got heated between the two potential USMNT compatriots after the game.
18. Barron Trump: Little Full-Kit Wanker
Don't give us some "I would've done the same thing as an 11-year-old" line. A lot of 11-year-olds would gladly try pilot an airplane if they had the chance, too. No parent -- least of all the *sigh* the president of these United States -- should let their child go outside dressed like this. Make this right, Gooners. Like it or not, he's one of your's now and you're responsible for him.
17. Fightin' Snowmen
It's still early in the GCGBAG Fantasy League season, but the Fightin' Snowmen remain entrenched at the top of the standings with 467 points, though LOS ANGELES COMEDIAN (453) and FayMountaineer (452) are both within striking distance.
16. Stadium Talk
Columbus Monthly broke some six-month old news this week. To any and all stadium talk we say: we love you and where you go we'll follow.
15. The Birthday Boy
We love him too, J9. We love him too.
14. Rachel Bonnetta
The Fox Sports social media queen repped a certain World's Greatest Team on her show "At The Buzzer," we think (we don't get FS1). We'd like to tell you it's because the Crew SC logo is timeless and can match with any outfit, but it's more likely that the former Toronoto FC brand ambassador -- don't get any ideas about leaving us, Alex Stec! -- lost a bet over last weekend's Trillium Cup showdown.
Look we're not the superstitious type, but we can't argue with facts and logic. FACT: this masterpiece made its way down to field level so viewers from all over the world can bask in its utter magnificence anytime there's a Nordecke Corner(TM) back on April 1. ALSO FACT: Columbus Crew SC are undefeated at the Tiny Demon Fortress during that same stretch. So we can say with incontrovertible, scientific certainty that The Ladies have directly contributed to, and are probably solely responsible for, Crew SC's recent home dominance. You're welcome.
12. Alex Crognale 100-yard Dash Time
We almost considered writing "we almost feel bad for Giovinco" but that would've been disengenious af because we love seeing the CROG NAIL do his best Lebron James impersonation.
11. National Haiku Poetry Day
We've been about haikus for a minute now, but we had no idea about National Haiku Poetry Day until the New York Mountain Dew Kickstarters offered up this gem:
We obviously couldn't help ourselves.
Then things may have gotten a little out of hand...
10. The Beautiful Game
9. Niko Hansen (So Hot Right Now)
8. Golden Girl of the Week
If you know a Golden Boy or Girl who does, uh, Golden things and want to nominate them, tweet at us with the #GCGBAGofTheWeek and who knows, you might just see them in the next edition!
7. Ola Kamara
How could there have been any question that Ola would score a goal last weekend when he rolled up to MAPFRE like this. The current MLS Fancy Stats Champion and undisputed best Kamara brought the boom last week.
6. The Lads (⤴️)
After last weekend's comeback victory in the first leg of the Trillium Cup, The Lads are bouncing back up(ped). We apologize for misinforming you last week, our cherished Golden Boys and Girls, but we have assurances from our sources that The Lads will be upped like they've never been upped before at the next home match, April 29 vs. one of the New York teams.
5. Rachel Daly
Yo David Villa, we're really happy for you and we're gonna let you finish, but Rachel Daly had the best goal of the weekend. The. Best. Goal. Of. The weekend.
3. The Mysterious Stranger
Who is this Myseterious Stranger? There was another sighting in this week's extremely excellent edition of the Drunken Crewzer Postgame Show.
2. The Toughest Fan We Know
"Damnit, soccer fixes everything." Truer words have not been spoken. Nothing but positive thoughts going out to our dude.
1. Columbus Crew SC
Do we really need to write anything else?